Trump's Biker Gang Brownshirts To Patrol Inauguration - What Could Go Wrong?

Trump’s Biker Gang Brownshirts To Patrol Inauguration – What Could Go Wrong?

Trump’s Brownshirts Plan To Intimidate Inauguration Protestors

It was the last big concert of the 1960’s. In December of 1969, more than 300k young people descended on the Altamont Speedway in Tracy, California to watch some of the biggest musical acts of their day — The Rolling Stones, The Grateful Dead, Santana, and other bands — put on a free concert that everyone was invited to. It looked to be a great concert, and it probably would’ve been… had the Hell’s Angels not shown up to offer their services as “security.” What resulted instead was a violent disaster where several people lost their lives.

The big lesson we should all learn from the Altamont Free Concert disaster is an obvious and simple one: adding violent, greasy biker gangs into an event will always make said event worse. Like, way worse. And some events — you know, weddings, proms, presidential inaugurations — should DEFINITELY remain 100% biker free. But despite being old enough to remember Altamont himself, Donald Trump apparently never got that memo.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump exuberantly tweeted that “Bikers For Trump” will be in attendance during his inauguration and the various events surrounding it. “Bikers For Trump” founder Chris Cox told Fox News on Saturday that his army of quasi-illiterate thugs plan to create a “wall of meat” to protect the pro-Trump rallygoers from what will most likely be a sea of nonviolent protestors, which might include as many as 200k women.

Trump’s brownshirts have a history of causing problems and reacting to peaceful protestors violently at Trump’s campaign rallies and events. But hey, they’re bikers, you know? Getting pissed with cheap beer and making noses bleed while cruising around on obnoxiously loud motorcycles that annoy the ever-loving shit out of everyone is sort of what being a biker is all about.

I could be wrong here, but I’m pretty sure the attendance of Trump’s biker gang brownshirts will mark the first time in American history that bikers offered “security” during a presidential inauguration, or even attended one in large numbers. And that really tells you everything you need to know about President Trump’s incoming four years in office, doesn’t it? A fleet of grubby biker dudes cruising around looking for pesky liberals to rough up… I’m pretty sure that’s the only avenue of Trump’s domestic policy he’s given any real thought to.

So please, folks: if you plan on attending and protesting the inauguration, beware of Trump’s Sturmabteilung. The biker brownshirts have no qualms with disrupting peaceful protests, violently attacking anyone who opposes their narrow-minded views. Be smart, be safe, know where the police are at all times, and if you find yourself cornered, don’t hesitate to throw around big words and confuse them long enough to make your escape.

Featured image courtesy of Alex Wong/ Getty Images

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots

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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots

ReverbPress Mobile Apps ReverbPress iOS App ReverbPress Android App ReverbPress App