Conspiracy Loons, Activate! VP Pence Putting Together ‘Task Force’ To Investigate Non-Existent Voter Fraud
Vice President Pence Is Organizing A ‘Task Force’ To Investigate Trump’s Made-Up Voter Fraud Claims
To most Americans — those of us who read stuff, I mean — the idea that “millions” of people could commit voter fraud in a single year is an absolutely ludicrous assertion with no semblance to reality whatsoever. But “President” Donald Trump? He’s not most Americans.
As most of you will recall, Trump outlandishly claimed last year that millions of cases of voter fraud had cost him the popular vote, which he lost by a staggering margin of 2.8 million ballots. That claim was very easily debunked. So easily, in fact, that Fox News anchor Shepard Smith shot it down last month. His claims have even spurred the FEC to demand Trump come clean about those allegations, or provide evidence that he isn’t just making things up out of thin air.
That’s where Vice President Mike Pence steps in. According to embattled White House Press Secretary and probable antacid aficionado Sean Spicer, “President” Trump will soon be announcing that Mike Pence will be putting together a so-called “task force” to investigate and hopefully prove that Trump’s outrageous lie is no lie at all.
“He’s announcing that Vice President Mike Pence will lead a task force on this. […] He named the task force, and the vice president is starting to gather names and individuals to be a part of it.”
Spicer didn’t offer a timeline for when we can expect to see this haphazard conspiracy-theory-driven version of The Avengers play out for our amusement. He also didn’t specify who, if anyone, Pence has recruited for his alleged “task force,” nor do we have any idea how many millions of taxpayer dollars will be blown investigating voter fraud that very clearly and obviously never happened.
The only thing we can be certain of is this: like all of those wasteful conservative investigations into Benghazi, Pence’s “task force” will fail tragically and hilariously at coming up with any meaningful or concrete evidence that proves large- or even medium- scale voter fraud, let alone “millions” of illegally-cast ballots all across the country.
And this, folks, is what happens when the nation sends an over-coddled man-baby to our highest elected office. Trump, rattled and offended to his core by the indisputable fact that the American people dislike and distrust him (as proven by his painfully lopsided popular vote loss and lackluster polling numbers), needs to have his Vice President step in, look under the bed and in the closet, and ensure there aren’t any scary monsters lurking about, waiting for him to fall asleep.
Do you think Pence reads Trump “Goodnight Moon” before sleepy-time? Or maybe “Everybody Poops?” I suppose we’ll never know for sure.
Featured image courtesy of Aaron P. Bernstein/ Getty Images
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Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots